I think being five can be tough. Especially when you're the youngest. He wants so badly to shed all things that make him feel like a baby and he gets irritated when his brother is able to do things that he cannot do as well or as fast. He is my baby and so it's hard to watch him try to be so big so fast and with such growing pains. He is a force this child and he is every day and in every moment teaching me what real patience looks like. And everyday I fail at having this patience but at the same time I see myself growing too. One thing is for certain - we are both growing and changing and it can only be good.
I went to see grandma the other day. She is nearing the end and I can only find joy in the fact that she will soon escape this body and mind of hers that have given out on her. On my way to the nursing home I was reminded of visiting her mother with her and how able bodied and minded she was and I wished we could turn back time and she could leave with me and drive me home as she did when I was a child. The one solace I find in losing her is that I feel like I will gain her spirit back. Alzheimer's has stolen her spirit from me and I feel like in death, it will be released and I will feel her presence again. Already I have been experiencing good memories of her that I haven't had since her illness. I feel like these memories are being released now that she is nearing the end.
I have been absent from this space, feeling good in the silence. Somedays I feel like a bad mother, dealing with Ben's growing pains in an impatient way. Also, processing the loss of my grandmother has been making me feel a bit less chatty. It feels really good to have this all out in words now.