I spent the last two weeks of my brother’s life with him off
and on in his apartment. He’d fought off cancer with all that he had for 10
months but he was not going to beat it. I would visit and then I would occasionally
and reluctantly go home for brief periods of time. When I was at his apartment with
him he would often let me play my music on his stereo. In this last few weeks
of his life in saying goodbye to him and learning to let him go, the music that
we would listen to was so much more meaningful, the lyrics speaking right to my
soul.
It was fall and I remember the walks my parents and sister
and I would take around his apartment and how beautiful the colors were.
It
seemed fitting that these colors were so intense, matching the feelings that
were inside of me. They were almost too beautiful and grand to comprehend. They
were almost too much to take in just like the feelings of love and loss I was
feeling for my brother. I remember on the night he passed, I was so unsure
about whether to stay or go. I’d been staying at his apartment the last few
nights, wanting to be there for him when he passed. In a confused state I left
and I took with me the pumpkin my mom had bought for him. I think he knew he
had no need for that pumpkin; that he was not going to be here for Halloween
which was just around the corner. He was going through the difficult process of
letting things go, releasing things.
When I came home I sat the two pumpkins on the table
explaining to my boyfriend at the time (my husband now) why I had two. My mom
had bought one for each of us and my brother didn’t want his. He gently
explained to me that while I was on my way home my mom had called to say that
my brother had passed. I said, “No.” Even though I knew it was coming, it was
impossible to believe.
I remember mourning for my brother for a few days by sitting
in the dark listening to music. Music helped to get me from denial and devastation
to acceptance and moving on. He and I shared a love for music and now sometimes
when I hear a song and feel it in the depths of my soul, I can feel him right
here with me. This is one of them:If-I-Needed-You-Townes-Van-Zandt- Mumford & Sons
