Orchestrating a family picture for me is always a stressful event. So, that is why our last professional family photo was taken about 3 years ago. But, once our relative and friend Jodi moved minutes away from us and started a photography business, there were no excuses. I had an idea for how I wanted these photos to look and since chances are this won't happen again for another 3 years, I wanted to do it right. So, I scoped out possible locations to match the one in my head and taking a wrong turn down a private driveway one afternoon I came across the field with tall grasses to match the on I had in my mind. After getting up the nerve I went to the front door of the house and asked permission to use his property. With a surprised look on his face he agreed to let us use his field.
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family
May 23, 2012
May 21, 2012
Grandma
Grandma with my mom.
It is so hard to be in a world where you are not.
You were my soft place to fall. You listened to me always, without judgment, only love. I believe that if you weren’t my grandma and I wasn’t your granddaughter, that we would have been friends.
Well-worn Keds, Double Mint gum, green machines, Dove soap, Oil of Olay lotion, Klondike Bars and Election Day – these things are you to me.
I remember laying on your couch when I was home sick from school drinking 7-up, listening to music on headphones and making you listen to song after song and you did it and you made me believe you were enjoying my music. I remember staying at your house as a child and you bathing me – I’d never been so clean. As teenagers, we would walk in your house and you’d hug us and always say, “I don’t know if you’re getting taller or I’m getting shorter.”
I showed up at your door one day in my early twenties, probably with some bizarre new hair color and maybe a new piercing but you opened the door so happy to see me and you said, “Don’t ever change.” Those three words were the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. In those three words you told me that I am enough.
I’m not sure why you had that disease or what the point of all of that was. What was the point?
The first time I came to see you when you were unable to even fake a hello; the first time neither one of us could pretend that you didn’t know me, that hurt. It hurt so much but I couldn’t really mourn you then. I was overcome with the loss I felt, but I had to hide the emotion because seeing someone cry upset you. And so, I cried behind your back and then pulled myself together. It is only now that I can acknowledge the total loss of you; body and spirit. It hurts and I miss you but I’m so glad you’re free.
April 26, 2012
Getting it Out in Words
I think being five can be tough. Especially when you're the youngest. He wants so badly to shed all things that make him feel like a baby and he gets irritated when his brother is able to do things that he cannot do as well or as fast. He is my baby and so it's hard to watch him try to be so big so fast and with such growing pains. He is a force this child and he is every day and in every moment teaching me what real patience looks like. And everyday I fail at having this patience but at the same time I see myself growing too. One thing is for certain - we are both growing and changing and it can only be good.
I went to see grandma the other day. She is nearing the end and I can only find joy in the fact that she will soon escape this body and mind of hers that have given out on her. On my way to the nursing home I was reminded of visiting her mother with her and how able bodied and minded she was and I wished we could turn back time and she could leave with me and drive me home as she did when I was a child. The one solace I find in losing her is that I feel like I will gain her spirit back. Alzheimer's has stolen her spirit from me and I feel like in death, it will be released and I will feel her presence again. Already I have been experiencing good memories of her that I haven't had since her illness. I feel like these memories are being released now that she is nearing the end.
I have been absent from this space, feeling good in the silence. Somedays I feel like a bad mother, dealing with Ben's growing pains in an impatient way. Also, processing the loss of my grandmother has been making me feel a bit less chatty. It feels really good to have this all out in words now.
December 11, 2011
December Photo Project: 11
Every time I walk into the coop I'm reminded of one of the reasons I love him. I love him because even when it is just a coop he's building; he puts his heart into it. He made a chicken coop beautiful. Not many people would care enough to do that.
Goodbye Grandpa
Dear Grandma,
I wanted to let you know that Grandpa passed away this morning. You are still here on this earth but were moved to a nursing home while Grandpa stayed at the assisted living facility. Grandpa still sat in the chair next to yours even though you haven’t sat there for a long time. I wonder if he thought of you every time he saw your chair. If he wondered how you were doing. He never asked. Not because he didn’t care about you I don’t think, but probably because he was afraid to hear the truth. He was used to you taking care of him and when that changed, it was probably hard on him. He was ready to go Grandma. He didn’t ask me about my kids or husband or anything about the outside world. I know he was ready.
I just thought you’d want to know that he no longer sits in the chair next to yours and that I know he loved you.
October 27, 2011
Autumn
We are enjoying all of the beauty and activities that go along with my favorite season. At the moment I am under the weather but doing my best to enjoy the activities that are going on around me and anticipating trick or treat with the boys, some cousins and some friends tonight.
October 11, 2011
He is 5
Today he turned five and before the sun came up we began the celebration.
We all gathered around the candles in the dark and sang to him and his brother lifted him up so he could blow out the candles.
He and his brother had a picnic breakfast on a blanket on the floor with cinammon rolls as I told them about the day Ben was born. How there was a tornado that day and everyone in the hospital, patients included, had to sit in the hallways. This is how Miles and Ben met, in a crowded hallway during a tornado.
Ben got to spend a great day with some of his cousins, playing with his new remote control John Deere gator and hiking in the woods. Then we had hotdogs for dinner at his request. At Miles soccer practice I took him over to the playground and also at his request I followed him around, watching him play. He delighted in narrating his play and he even conqured climbing up a tower of tires secured to the middle of the wooden playstructure and we both decided that it must be because he's five now.
A few days ago we gathered some friends and family for a party to celebrate and the day was filled with face painting, a pinata, balloon popping and a tractor cake.
Today he is intense, today he is cuddly, today he is strong-willed, today he is curious, today he is both shy and outgoing and today he is five.
August 02, 2011
A Moment of Complete Domestic Bliss
Your Flag Decal Won't Get You Into Heaven Anymore by John Prine was playing.
July 12, 2011
July 01, 2011
Cousins
We went away for a few nights to a cabin with family. To see my kids with their cousins is something special so I love when they get to spend time together. With seven boys pretty close in age, they can find endless games to play and endless ways to fit the word "fart" into their sentences and songs. Ok, maybe that was my boys... and maybe they don't need their cousins for that...
